Dear Spammers,
I know you’ve been emailing me pretty adamantly for a long time now, and I really should have responded before now, but I felt it would be better use of my time to respond to all your emails at once, so here goes.
My wife bought me a great Bulova 96G46 watch, so I don’t have a need for a “great aggressive price rolex” at the moment. You sent me a lot of emails about that in the last six months, so I figured I should start there to curb your anxiety. You might have guessed that my wife already thinks I’m a “hero in bed”, so I didn’t even open those emails, but I have to wonder where you got the impression that I needed help in that department. I saw the emails you sent about “increasing my size”, in which you pointed out that girls are “joking at” me. Are the two related? Oh… And about the Viagra and Cialis… I don’t really need either yet, but I saved those emails for later. You might want to look into getting a new keyboard, though. Many of your emails (those ones, especially) have all the words messed up with odd characters like “v1agr@” and “cia’lis”. It looks a little unprofessional.
By the way, did you give my email address to a colleague? Someone else has been emailing me about “Christian dating” and I think they signed me up because I get emails from all kinds of hotties talking about how they can’t wait to meet me. Most of them are confused, though, because they often refer to the last time we chatted or when we hung out at the club, and I’ve never gone out with any of them. I don’t think they’re all Christian, either, because the things some of them send to me on AIM would make you blush, and all of the ones on Yahoo! Messenger have dirty web cams they want me to look at. Is that what their savior, Jesus, would approve of? I’m not very religious, myself, but I doubt it.
In the past year, you’ve also been pretty generous, offering me lots of free stuff, including gift cards for Wal-Mart and Best Buy, free deposits to accounts at online casinos, ecommerce solutions, airline vouchers, lottery winnings, and more, and the only thing you ever asked me for was to help you move the 13 million dollar savings of your late husband, General Obaname Antawnda to the United States. I hope I haven’t missed out on all this good stuff. I’ve been so busy and you seem to have a lot of free time, so I thought I’d ask if you could help me out. Just cash the lottery winnings on my behalf, play the online casinos, and sell the vouchers and gift cards and just send me half. That’s gotta be like ten million bucks for you. I bet you could get a lot of Viagra for yourself with that kind of cash. Give it some thought and get back to me. I have all your emails going to a special folder right when they come in, so just email your reply.
Anyway, I really should get some work done or I’ll wind up needing to follow up on one of those Google or Yahoo jobs you emailed me about.
Your pal,
Joe
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[...] then having to delete one that somehow fell through the spam block I have irritates me to no end. So, go read the post. Joe gets it right for everyone. [...]