42 Must-Read Tweets

For a while now, I’ve been collecting tweets that either made me laugh or made me think. I thought I’d share them with you today.

Pick out your favorite and send the URL of this post to its author : http://lnk.gd/2t

tedmurphy when life hands you lemons add vodka, ice and a little umbrella.about 9 hours ago from web

megfowler the more drama you bring to the table, the less room there is for anything valuable.3:51 PM May 26th from web

tedmurphy If you can talk someone out of being an entrepreneur they shouldn’t be one in the first place.2:46 PM May 22nd from Tweetie

GeekMommy Based on the gibberish in most blog comment spam? I can only assume the spammers are taking the pills before trying to sell them1:48 PM May 22nd from web

timoreilly “The US Constitution does not guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it.” Benjamin Franklin #quotes12:36 PM May 11th from twhirl

tedmurphy I am wearing pants today and I am not happy about it.11:37 AM May 11th from web

megfowler @limeduck aphex twin videos scare the monkeybananas out of me.11:16 AM May 11th from web

jimkukral “The future will depend on what we do in the present.” Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948)10:40 AM May 11th from TweetDeck

copyblogger If you think there’s a “right” way to use Twitter, and go around telling people they’re “wrong,” you’re a jackass.6:49 PM May 6th from web

wbaustin Why don’t pumpkins smoke? They’re on the patch.10:56 AM May 4th from web

MLDina Several small children and their parents are about to be mauled by my shopping cart11:01 AM May 3rd from txt

thinkgeek Why do we sponsor Thomas Jefferson HS robotics competition? B/c “Chuck Norris Can Make This Robot Run on Fear Alone” http://cli.gs/S3yt0q2:02 PM May 1st from twhirl

BenSpark RT: @paulgiunta: Chuck Norris doesn’t #followfriday. Friday follows him.11:57 AM May 1st from TwitterFox

GeekMommy OH @jenchicago – “better to blog for yourself and have no audience than to blog for your audience and have no self” #sobcon11:46 AM May 1st from web

friskygeek I plan to contract as much wine flu tonight as possible.11:04 AM May 1st from Tweetie

centernetworks someone tried to mug me on the subway – i told the guy “you better stop now or im going to cough on you”9:53 AM Apr 30th from web

Mark_Braunstein I promised the wife i’d take her out to dinner for her birthday, but due to finances we’re going to KFC to lick other people’s fingers11:25 PM Apr 29th from web

jimkukral Landed Portland Maine I do not have mask to avoid lobsterflu probably a mistake?7:58 PM Apr 28th from TwitterFon

nickthrolson Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.2:53 PM Apr 28th from Ping.fm

ironicsans I guess all those things that were going to happen when pigs fly can happen now that swine flew.2:01 PM Apr 27th from web

copyblogger “Arguing with a fool proves there are two.” ~Doris M. Smith1:22 PM Apr 27th from web

tedmurphy I either have #swineflu or bad gas. I am not sure what is worse for national security.12:47 PM Apr 27th from web

centernetworks thanks to american idol for killing some of my favorite songs5:41 PM Apr 14th from web

megfowler billie jean is not my lover.1:57 PM Apr 2nd from web

dtrinh @garyvee I paid a kid 50 cents to fart on another kid when I was 7 … where does that put me?4:49 PM Apr 1st from web

megfowler If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one. — Mother Teresa2:13 PM Mar 23rd from web

terriesm I want a pocket sized Jennifer Tilly.10:57 PM Mar 21st from txt

kinseys don’t know if I say it enough but I am so incredibly thankful for all that God has given me… except for my boobs. I need new ones.10:54 PM Mar 21st from mobile web

copyblogger This 3-month cough of mine has me muttering “I’m your Huckleberry” to random people in the street – http://is.gd/8ZsG3:19 PM Mar 21st from web

shoestringing One good customer well taken care of could be more valuable than $10,000 worth of advertising. Jim Rohn3:00 PM Mar 21st from web

Pamela_Lund Just had an amusing convo trying to inform my non-english speaking neighbor that his fly was down. He thought I was crazy for about 30 secs.1:52 PM Mar 21st from twhirl

krystyl oh looks like theyve created a ‘tanning pill’ which i am sure they will eventually say causes cancer http://is.gd/oeln11:42 AM Mar 20th from twhirl

formerlyCwalken She said I should talk more about my cat; that people like that sort of thing here. I didn’t know I still had a cat. Explains a few things.9:53 AM Mar 20th from web

jenn bah. “cisco fatty” is no “I KISS YOU”, Kids on the Interwebs will meme anything these days. When I was young, we used to meme uphill…11:34 AM Mar 18th from twhirl

GorillaSushi My house has special acoustics that allow me to hear the wife singing loudly upstairs but she can’t hear me laughing loudly down here.5:20 PM Mar 14th from TwitterFox

BT I am about to go tear the ass off a stack of pancakes with the munchkin at a Maple Syrup festival!!8:13 AM Mar 14th from TweetDeck

copyblogger I haven’t been this drunk since grade school. #sxsw7:54 PM Mar 13th from Tweetie

copyblogger “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.” ~Louis Berlioz9:48 PM Mar 11th from web

copyblogger Got home and couldn’t figure out if it was the dog or cat who puked on the floor. The dog just confessed with an encore.7:10 PM Mar 10th from web

rael The idea of waking up an hour earlier just to find out it is National Napping Day is cruel.2:49 PM Mar 9th from Tweetie

formerlyCwalken An escalator in Grand Central Station is out-of-service. I stood on it for a minute or two in the name of subtle irony. No-one else did.2:19 PM Mar 6th from web