Dear Spammers,
I know you’ve been emailing me pretty adamantly for a long time now, and I really should have responded before now, but I felt it would be better use of my time to respond to all your emails at once, so here goes.
My wife bought me a great Bulova 96G46 watch, so I don’t have a need for a “great aggressive price rolex” at the moment. You sent me a lot of emails about that in the last six months, so I figured I should start there to curb your anxiety. You might have guessed that my wife already thinks I’m a “hero in bed”, so I didn’t even open those emails, but I have to wonder where you got the impression that I needed help in that department. I saw the emails you sent about “increasing my size”, in which you pointed out that girls are “joking at” me. Are the two related? Oh… And about the Viagra and Cialis… I don’t really need either yet, but I saved those emails for later. You might want to look into getting a new keyboard, though. Many of your emails (those ones, especially) have all the words messed up with odd characters like “v1agr@” and “cia’lis”. It looks a little unprofessional.
By the way, did you give my email address to a colleague? Someone else has been emailing me about “Christian dating” and I think they signed me up because I get emails from all kinds of hotties talking about how they can’t wait to meet me. Most of them are confused, though, because they often refer to the last time we chatted or when we hung out at the club, and I’ve never gone out with any of them. I don’t think they’re all Christian, either, because the things some of them send to me on AIM would make you blush, and all of the ones on Yahoo! Messenger have dirty web cams they want me to look at. Is that what their savior, Jesus, would approve of? I’m not very religious, myself, but I doubt it.
In the past year, you’ve also been pretty generous, offering me lots of free stuff, including gift cards for Wal-Mart and Best Buy, free deposits to accounts at online casinos, ecommerce solutions, airline vouchers, lottery winnings, and more, and the only thing you ever asked me for was to help you move the 13 million dollar savings of your late husband, General Obaname Antawnda to the United States. I hope I haven’t missed out on all this good stuff. I’ve been so busy and you seem to have a lot of free time, so I thought I’d ask if you could help me out. Just cash the lottery winnings on my behalf, play the online casinos, and sell the vouchers and gift cards and just send me half. That’s gotta be like ten million bucks for you. I bet you could get a lot of Viagra for yourself with that kind of cash. Give it some thought and get back to me. I have all your emails going to a special folder right when they come in, so just email your reply.
Anyway, I really should get some work done or I’ll wind up needing to follow up on one of those Google or Yahoo jobs you emailed me about.
Your pal,
Joe
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on January 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Thank you, you almost said it word for word as I would have, but, I would have said, you had great sex ‘with’ Viagra last night, mmmmm??? yep, you are right on the money here, I also get like 300 emails a day from drug companies, like your order is ready, let valium calm you in the middle of war, and, other such… it is way out of control and I have attempted to block them and they still appear and appear and appear… excellent post…
Lyn’s last blog post..10 STEPS TO FINDING THAT PERFECT AFFILIATE PROGRAM
on January 15th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Lyn: I can’t believe I forgot about the “Your order is ready emails”. LOL
on January 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Haha…….love your letter Joe! Great job!
on January 15th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Thank you! I enjoyed this post and it definitely gave me the laugh I needed for the day. I get them all the time about my pharmacy order or how I can help my man be better in bed. When will they get the picture?
Dannie’s last blog post..Screwed Over Friend
on January 15th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Billy’smom: Thanks!
Dannie: There’s still way too many people who fall prey to the spammers. When it no longer becomes profitable is when they’ll move on to another method of annoying the planet.
on January 15th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
[...] then having to delete one that somehow fell through the spam block I have irritates me to no end. So, go read the post. Joe gets it right for everyone. [...]
on January 15th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
what is it: ‘a laugh a day, keeps the doctor away’? – pua’s free variation of ‘an apple a day…’ thanks joe. this made my day! aloha, pua
on January 15th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Pua: My pleasure!
on January 15th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Ughhhh, I keep getting those damn casino ones too.
Tammy’s last blog post..My baby Bigfoot…
on January 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Keep “saved those emails for later” maybe you make graph and we can study the price evolutuions of all that stuff !
vorax’s last blog post..Spice Girls are back into stupid Commercials
on January 15th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
vorax: Great idea. Actually, I’m working on a little project at http://filtered.org to work on better solutions to spam.
on January 15th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
You mean you weren’t lucky enough to help anyone from Africa move a couple million dollars over here to the U.S.? Poor guy. I had one offer me 40% of 16 mil. I was tempted, then I remembered I’m not stupid.
Steve’s last blog post..The New England Patriots; Cheaters Never Win? Think Again!
on January 15th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
ROFL!! Good one!
Laura @ Laura Williams’ Musings’s last blog post..Winner of the book, The Geography of Bliss
on January 15th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Thanks, Laura!
on January 15th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Steve: I started to help the guy from Africa. He told me you said no, so I couldn’t resist. Unfortunately, right after I gave him all the info, he stopped replying. Then, coincidentally, someone stole my identity. I used to be Bartholemew Roberts.
on January 16th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I like the one asking if your the next of kin to an oil tycoon… the funny thing is I have gotten this kind of spam for at least 3 years now so I have used “at” instead of “@” symbol when posting my e-mail address and I have seen a significant reduction in spam.
Daily Impressions’s last blog post..Rechargeable Heated Fleece Jacket
on January 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Daily Impressions: The spam harvesters are getting better, too. I sometimes mix it up like joe {at} joetech [[dot]] (com) or something similar just to keep them on their toes.
on January 20th, 2008 at 2:09 am
That’s so funny.
I leave my blog unattended for a day and I get over a hundred spam messages. Some of them are pretty much getting to ingenious for my own good.
I am writing a plugin that will automatically email all my spammers right back. Now, if only I can figure out why it’s not working yet …..
Sharon’s last blog post..10 Great Ways for Teens to Stay Fit – from One Teen to Another
on January 20th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Sharon: Out of 34 comments between 1 AM and now, yours was the only one that wasn’t spam. I hate all the spammers.
I don’t know if emailing them back is a good idea, though. I imagine 90% of the time, the email given is not their own.